he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
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