I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
