So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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