Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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