how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
