just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
It was confusing and full of hummus
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
