Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I'm just crazy horny about you
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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