I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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