there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Randomize
