Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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