What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
