We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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