you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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