When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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