My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
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