First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
