I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
