now i know why i became what i already was.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
