It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
