If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
This baby is an asshole
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
