i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
