I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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