Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
