Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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