Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
