I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
