So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
