A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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