made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
