Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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