I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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