So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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