I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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