Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
