Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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