if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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