i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
