meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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