I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
