So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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