I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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