My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
