it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
