The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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