I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
