Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
