chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
