shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
