Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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