I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
