No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
