We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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