You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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