One girl and one boy is just not enough.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
